Wednesday, January 26, 2011


Recently, I've been getting a little too friendly with frozen pizza, quesadillas, and pasta.

This has (as I knew it would inevitably would) let me to gain a new roll.  Fawwk.. It's not like my pizza didn't have spinach on it, and my pasta didn't have veggies in it.  WTF?

I mentioned very briefly in a past post that I am just not big on exercising.  I would rather be doing anything else.  I'm also not that big on dieting (I get very cranky when I'm hungry).  Well then, what do I do?? How do I get rid of this extra roll?

Ok, done.  No more junk food... So now, please excuse me while I go eat all the junk food in my house so I can start my "diet".  :)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Risk vs. Reward

I wrote recently in a past post about the ex and I talking again.
Well the other night I had my monthly get-together with my group of girlfriends and filled them in on what’s happening.  Needless to say, they were less than happy about what’s going on right now.  God bless them, they are definitely looking out for my best interests and hoping that I don’t get hurt again.  These girls are amazing. They were there for me when I was a complete puddle of a mess after our break up and without them, I probably could not have gotten through it as well as I did. (So to those of you who are reading.. THANK YOU! J)
That being said, they are very hesitant to taking a positive view of him and I talking again.  They told me not to make it so easy for him to get me back again.  They told me that I’m ignoring all the bad and remembering all the good.  They told me that even though they’re sure I’m going to get hurt again, and they’ll undoubtedly be there for me, I’m making a mistake.
However, the good friends that they are, they also told me that it’s my “mistake” to make and that I just need to see this through in order to see their point of view.
My problem however is weighing the risk vs. the reward.  If the risk is taking the chance (and things working out well), isn’t that worth the reward in the end?
If things don’t work out well, is it still worth the reward?  At least that way, I’ll know for sure that we both gave it another shot and it just didn’t work.  If we didn’t… wouldn’t we always be wondering?

He told me the other night the real reason for our breakup.  It was an eye-opener if there ever was one.  After 3 years, I was putting the pressure on… The talk of the not coming upcoming proposal, buying a house, having kids, etc.  It scared him off.  He ran.  Could I have known this?  I think not.  Would most people think that after 3 years this would be the natural course of progression? I think so.  But he is a rational person.  He thinks things through.  He wants to be prepared.
Now I really need to think… The fact that I am ready to think of these things…  The fact that he has told me he’s not ready…but that he’s regretted his decision to break up… Does that mean because I am willing to see him again, that I am willing to accept him regardless of this?  Or does it mean that he is willing to accept me regardless of this?
We’ve had the discussion of “what we are” and we’ve both decided that we’re not going to label anything.  Labels add pressure and that’s the last thing we need right now.  For now, we’re enjoying each other’s company and laughing a lot. 

Given that I suck at dating and just don’t know how to do it, I won’t be dating anyone else during this time of “the unknown”.  I guess it’s just a guilty conscience… How could I have a great Friday night dinner with him, and then go have a great Saturday night dinner with someone else?
At this point, even though it may put me in a very vulnerable situation, I think risking the chance of getting hurt again is worth the reward if it means we could be happy together again.

To be continued…

** Pictures of my wonderful friends below (because they love being on my blog J)





LOVE you girls!! xoxo

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Some Solid Advice

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Ex-Factor

Well… Where do I begin?  The ex and I are talking again.  Prior to a week or so ago, we had kept in contact but only for updates on the dog (who has him what weekend), or mail that needed to be picked up.  There was never any discussion of where each of us is at in our lives or anything that would resemble “friendship”.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew that if anything came up and I needed to turn somewhere I could totally turn to him and he would help me in a heartbeat.  I just hadn’t wanted needed to turn to him.  I’ve got other friends and family that I could turn to first.  And if I’m being honest, turning to an ex and asking for help, really goes against the “I’m strong and can make it on my own without you” persona.
Then a week ago happened.  He caught wind sight of me with another boy.  What happened after that was the start of what’s happening now… He was never a jealous person while we were together, but for some reason, it really bothered him that I would move on after we had broken up.  He told me how hurt he was that I could move on after 4 months and that he didn’t think me seeing other people was the best idea. Really? Is there a specific mourning period that I didn’t know about?  My initial reaction was anger.  How dare he make me feel guilty?  I reminded him that HE was the one that left ME and I was moving on with my life.  However, the guilty seed was planted.  I felt awful.  Not that I was out and living my life, but that in doing so I had hurt him.  But I’m over him, right?  Why am I feeling like I need to put his feelings of jealousy and hurt above my feelings of confidence and happiness?  Am I not over him?

This conversation that we were having is what started us talking.  Talking about our past relationship; what was good, what was bad, what broke us up.  Now I’ve never been in this situation before where ex’s start talking again.  I’ve never got back together with an ex or done a postmortem on the relationship.  I’ve always been of the opinion that if something is serious enough to split two people apart, then going back that person is going back to the problem that was big enough to turn your life upside down.
Now however, I can definitely see why people get back together and split up and spend their time yo-yoing up and down.  It’s familiarity, comfort, calmness.  It’s someone being able to look into your eyes for an instant and know every thought that is running through your head.  It’s something that feels so right but that you know is so wrong.  Is it wrong though?  How could it have been right for years, then one day it just turns wrong?
I'm really big on lists.  On writing stuff out and weighing it.  Getting a visual sometimes can give one perspective.

Pros of ex's
  • They know you better than a new guy knows you
  • You know how good your life could be together
  • They kiss you perfectly
  • You get start in the middle
  • You get a second chance to make things right

Cons of ex's
  • You don't get to have the hours of talk and "getting to know you" giddiness that you would have with someone new
  • You know that when life got tough, they left.
  • You risk the chance of falling back into the same patterns and behaviours

So where does this leave me?  As of right now, I don’t know.  I think this list just confused me even more.  I'm not too sure which way the scales are tipping.  I know that we’re not going to jump into anything again any time soon.  But maybe we both just need some time to think.  And probably talk.