Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Ex-Factor

Well… Where do I begin?  The ex and I are talking again.  Prior to a week or so ago, we had kept in contact but only for updates on the dog (who has him what weekend), or mail that needed to be picked up.  There was never any discussion of where each of us is at in our lives or anything that would resemble “friendship”.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew that if anything came up and I needed to turn somewhere I could totally turn to him and he would help me in a heartbeat.  I just hadn’t wanted needed to turn to him.  I’ve got other friends and family that I could turn to first.  And if I’m being honest, turning to an ex and asking for help, really goes against the “I’m strong and can make it on my own without you” persona.
Then a week ago happened.  He caught wind sight of me with another boy.  What happened after that was the start of what’s happening now… He was never a jealous person while we were together, but for some reason, it really bothered him that I would move on after we had broken up.  He told me how hurt he was that I could move on after 4 months and that he didn’t think me seeing other people was the best idea. Really? Is there a specific mourning period that I didn’t know about?  My initial reaction was anger.  How dare he make me feel guilty?  I reminded him that HE was the one that left ME and I was moving on with my life.  However, the guilty seed was planted.  I felt awful.  Not that I was out and living my life, but that in doing so I had hurt him.  But I’m over him, right?  Why am I feeling like I need to put his feelings of jealousy and hurt above my feelings of confidence and happiness?  Am I not over him?

This conversation that we were having is what started us talking.  Talking about our past relationship; what was good, what was bad, what broke us up.  Now I’ve never been in this situation before where ex’s start talking again.  I’ve never got back together with an ex or done a postmortem on the relationship.  I’ve always been of the opinion that if something is serious enough to split two people apart, then going back that person is going back to the problem that was big enough to turn your life upside down.
Now however, I can definitely see why people get back together and split up and spend their time yo-yoing up and down.  It’s familiarity, comfort, calmness.  It’s someone being able to look into your eyes for an instant and know every thought that is running through your head.  It’s something that feels so right but that you know is so wrong.  Is it wrong though?  How could it have been right for years, then one day it just turns wrong?
I'm really big on lists.  On writing stuff out and weighing it.  Getting a visual sometimes can give one perspective.

Pros of ex's
  • They know you better than a new guy knows you
  • You know how good your life could be together
  • They kiss you perfectly
  • You get start in the middle
  • You get a second chance to make things right

Cons of ex's
  • You don't get to have the hours of talk and "getting to know you" giddiness that you would have with someone new
  • You know that when life got tough, they left.
  • You risk the chance of falling back into the same patterns and behaviours

So where does this leave me?  As of right now, I don’t know.  I think this list just confused me even more.  I'm not too sure which way the scales are tipping.  I know that we’re not going to jump into anything again any time soon.  But maybe we both just need some time to think.  And probably talk.


  1. I've never gotten back together with an ex before. I think the thing is, it depends on the situation that broke you up in the first place and how much you believe people can change and how fast you think they can do it.

    But I kind of don't like that he made you feel guilty and that he tried to tell you what was right for you to do. But I don't have any information other than that, and you know better than I do what the whole tone was or anything.

  2. Eh, the ex-boyfriend is the ex-boyfriend for a reason. He probably was naive to the fact that other men WILL BE interested in you (because he thinks he's the man!).

    Why did you break up to begin with? Start your logic with that and see where it takes you.

  3. Oh Yeah? Well I like your idea of writing lists, pros and cons , 1 must weigh out the other, right?....what happens if the list is even? Oh no! Back to square one, right? NOT!!
    You are one of the smartest people I know, so therefore you should use your head and not your heart for a moment. We all know now you two are talking....AND THATS BIG!! Communication is the start to everything!! You know that. I don't profess to read minds, but tell me what you want and I'll get it done! That's me, I'm a man, and most men are like that. You're talking, communicating,....thats a start! You know where you've been, and have a pretty good idea where you want to go. If he's opening up to you with his true feelings, just listen and absorb, think about what he's saying, and is he sincere? Without communication, you have nothing. With it you have possibilities and abilities to move forward. Ok enough said about using your head. Your Heart you cannot ignore, it holds you full of emotions from anger to love, and we are human beings, and listen to our hearts ( sometimes too much ), so we have to be rational. You are in a position of control right now (by the sounds of it), so use your head, and listen to your heart, and don't react until you've processed the information with your head. Like Simmarah said " Why did he break up to begin with?" The real reason. Good'll make the right decision

  4. More good comments from girls. It's weird- girls are the first to KNOW that you shouldn't get taken back in by an ex, but also the first to FALL for a remorseful ex.

    And yes, we men are like that. We think we're the man, and when we see another guy trying to get you, we're like "but wait- isn't she just home crying, with her cats, missing me?"

    And, also ironic, is that when a guy ex talks his ex-gf into "something" (read: sex) we think we've pulled a fast one over you. But, in the end, we're also hurting our own chances of moving on just as much.

    Ah, life.

    Nice writing; great to see you put your thoughts down so well on this blog!