Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Chicken or The Egg?

Good news – I have a computer again and I’m baaack!!
Bad news – I have a couple weeks’ worth of blogs to post


So as you know, my blog is gonig to take a little bit of a different direction now.  Although the ex and I still haven’t defined anything regarding the details of our relationship (living situations (you’ll recall that he bought a house in a different city), our future, etc.), we have agreed that we’ll be seeing each other exclusively.
I’m feeling really happy about this.  This is working for us right now.  I’ve decided that I’m just going to take it as it comes… no more trying to control my life and living by some sort of “societal clock” that must dictate what comes first and second and when.  And let’s be honest, him and I haven’t really done things by the book in the first place.  We started by living together and then getting into a serious relationship... And now 3-1/2 years later, we’re finally dating.
Since we’ve started talking again, he’s shown to me that he really can be the person that I need him to be.  Yes, I have considered that his may be the “woo-ing” phase and he’s got to do something fantastic to get me back, but I don’t think all these little things are it.
The things that he’s doing this time around aren’t things that he stopped doing at some point during our relationship, but things that he started doing now… because I told him that’s what I needed and he listened.
Don’t get me wrong… We have told each other before the things that we both needed from each other that we weren’t getting, but by the time this conversation was had, we were holding so much resentment towards each other (because they “should have known”), and it was just easier to chalk it up to “hmph… well this is me and I shouldn’t have to change; love me for who I am”. Looking back now I realize how lazy, silly, and completely untrue that is.  The things that we needed from each other weren’t personality altering characteristics, but simple things like: for me – him holding my hand; for him – me not reading before bed.  It seems so trivial now that these two things allotted for the majority of our arguments.  I do understand now that these were the “topics” and not the “issues” (thank you Dr. Phil!).  The issue comes down to the fact that we were both so tit-for-tat that we wouldn’t do something for the other unless the other did something for us. 
Beneath that, communication… or lack thereof.  For instance, whenever we got in an argument, we didn't speak to each other for about 24 hours.  And we lived together.  This is not an exaggeration.  We just didn’t talk it out.  24 hours later we were both calmed down and went on like it never happened.
Disclaimer: Granted, we’re still going to do things that bug each other (like me leaving my purse on the floor and him inevitably stepping on the buckle, and him using an inordinate amount of butter when he cooks, and me inevitably gaining a new roll).
The good news is we’re talking now.  Making a concentrated effort to communicate to each other what we’re feeling and/or thinking.  So far, it’s working.

Side note: I heard this the other day… Women in a relationship need to feel connected in order to be intimate; Men in a relationship need to be intimate in order to feel connected.  So what comes first? The chicken or the egg?


  1. Oh, so glad to see you are back and trying things out with your ex again!! Yay!

    Also, that last statement is freakishly true! I mean, I know for a fact I wouldn't want to be intimiate until I had a connection, BUT at the same time, if I feel a connection right off the bat, does that mean I would jump into bed with him on the first night? And would that alter his way of thinking?

    So many questions :)

  2. what a dilemma! I totally agree with the comment about the difference between men and women and their connections...though I'm new to your blog, I'm happy to hear that he is coming around and understanding where he went wrong. Looking forward to seeing you come through this with flying colors! xoxo {av}

  3. I don't know the full story, since I just found your blog today! But if you love your ex and you are both taking steps to make things work then I am happy for you. Best of luck! :)