Friday, February 18, 2011

The Power of Familiarity

Quick question – how do you all feel about your girlfriend or boyfriend’s ex?
If you ask me, I say they’re bad news.  I simply cannot understand those people that are in a relationship that say “oh yeah, my ex and I are great friends.  My boyfriend/girlfriend is totally cool with it”.  Why?!  I don’t understand.  How are they ok with it?
I’m of the opinion that once you enter a new relationship, all ties with the ex should be cut off (exception:  if the two if you have baggage together – kids, house, dog, etc.  If so, any communication should be about that only).  Does this sound like I’m a crazy, jealous girlfriend?  Maybe.  Ok, it might.  But I think I’m just being logical.
You think you know your boyfriend/girlfriend?  Better than anyone else?  Think again.  There’s someone else that knows them just as well as you do, if not more.  Just like you, they know:
·         What turns them on
·         What turns them off
·         Where they like to be kissed
·         How to get them to open up
·         What their dreams, hopes and fears are
Hypothetically of course, put yourself in a room with your ex.  If you really wanted to hook up with him/her that night, do you think you could do it?  Do you think you could be persuasive enough, to say and do the right thing to get them to go home with you? My bet is yes.
I’m just sayin… The random hottie standing at the bar?  Probably not worth getting agitated over. 
The ex, however?  Well I can’t say I’ve ever heard of them being good news.



  2. I'm friends with most of my exes, but generally I'm the one that broke up with them and have zero interest in getting back together with them, even for one night.

    It also depends on how deep the friendship is. My exes and I we really only get together when we have mutual friends invite both of us. I only talk to one ex frequently but we have been friends now longer than we were together.

    I don't think you can categorically say you can't be friends with exes, It all depends on the relationship and personalities involved.

  3. That being said, if you can tell your new boyfriends ex is interested in him still then yes that would be bad news, and vis versa.

  4. I have to agree, I could not handle if Andrew was still friends with his ex. I do think that it depends on how it ended between them, and if anything during their ending has played a role in your relationship.

    There is always going to be jealously around an ex, as your said above they have seen your boyfriend naked!!!

    I for one could not handle it!


  5. Ooh I must agree! I feel jealous over my boyfriends ex-girlfriends for the simple fact that they once got to be with him. I'm thankful I don't have to deal with them too often!!


  6. I agree. I'm not friends with any of my exes. My boyfriend is not friends with any of his exes. I think that is healthier. I guess there are those rare instances were a friendship came before the relationship, so people want to remain friends... or the relationship was actually only dating for a few months. But overall... I like the no ex root myself. And I definitely wouldn't classify myself as the jealous type, but I agree most exes are definitely bad news.

  7. I have to dissagree pretty strongly, why should we cast aside a relationship with a person who we obviously care about to make some one else happy? you arent comfortable with me being riends with my ex? i think that says more about our relationship than it does about my relationship with my ex. when you break up with an ex do you stop caring about them immediately? I don't, i am friends with a few exes, but just because the know how to push my buttons doesnt mean I let them push them if I am in a new relationship

  8. I disagree completely. I broke up with a guy I dated for several years because I was no longer sexually attracted to him and basically thought of him as a brother. The romantic feelings were gone but my genuine love for him is still there. I still care about him and like to chat with him occasionally. If the ex is actively pursuing him and has said she wants him back, then no a friendship can't be there. Just today I went out to lunch with an ex boyfriend, my current boyfriend and another friend... Oh and he is dating a friend of mine that I introduced him to. When you make everything so black and white and refuse to be open to it you're really only hurting yourself because it's making you look like your lacking confidence and that you don't trust your boyfriend. He is dating YOU now and not her... He can see you're better for him than the ex was and I assume you believe that as well but this post makes it seem like you aren't sure.

    If you are dealing with this in your relationship I think you should look at several things. Did he dump the girl or did she dump him? How long has it been? Does she have a boyfriend? Does your bf ever see her in person?

  9. NTH - Agreed that it totally depends on how deep the relationship was and the personalities involved. I have no qualms with running into an ex at a party where we have mutual friends and giving a little Cole's Notes on how my life is now and getting the scoop on theirs.. But this is more of a fomality rather than me actually caring what their new cat's name is.

    Tara - For sure it depends on how it ended (good terms or bad) and whether or not you were a key factor in them endning.. if that's the case, in my opinion, it's probably a really good idea to cut ties!

    Hannah - I'm glad you agree; I feel the same

    Tracy - It definitely keeps things a whole lot "cleaner" I find when they're not around

    Anonymous - "why should we cast aside a relationship with a person who we obviously care about to make some one else happy?" I think because in every relationship, compromises need to be made. I don't think it says anything more about the current relationship than the past one.. Because I would have this opinion no matter who I was in a current relationship with. It's about ME.. and what I'm comfortable with and what I'm not. If he can't handle that, and he'd rather pick the ex.. c'est la vie!

    Tori - I can see your point as to how it may make me look like I'm lacking confidence.. That may well be. However, like I said above, it's something that's a deal-breaker for me. I totally get that it may me a little bit of an awkward conversation to have... "Hey, I got a girlfriend/boyfriend now so we can't really keep talking" ... But for me, I like to think that my current boyfriend has moved on from his past relationships. And if there's still texting/emailing/chatting happening, I just don't see how that can equate to being moved on.

  10. I'm that girl... my two best guy friends are both my ex's. One is gay, the other isn't. We just don't work in a relationship. I see no reason to not continue the great friendship we had before. Yes, my new love interest gets jealous and such when it comes to him, but I don't really care. I know what I feel for him and I know what I don't. Friendships are a necessity, and I don't think I'd ever stand for someone trying to eliminate some of mine just because they are jealous.

  11. As much as I want to say "I'm totally cool with it", I probably am NOT if it ever happened. It's not necessarily a jealous thing, but like you said, it's a "I know what turns you one, I know who you are" type thing. At the risk of sounding like an egotistical gal, a few of my exes still text me wanting me back so I just think it's a bad territory to be treading on.

    My final answer: absolutely not.

  12. ICK ICK ICK I am so, so, so not okay with it. Maybe I just haven't hit that level of maturity. Maybe I never will. But seriously, anyone from my significant other's romantic past better be damn well out of his life, and I'll gladly ensure the same for him. Move forward, move onward. I can't look back like that.